Don' Call it a Comeback...

Ah, the immortal words of a young LL Cool J. Contrary to popular opinion I have not been rendered mute by my wife's incessant nagging. I have been watching and reading, waiting for the right moment to unleash my next blast. The wait is over.

I have received a few queries as to my fear/hatred/loathing of Oprah, allow me to explain. I know what she is up to, I know how this will end and I am duty bound to inform the world. She will not stop until she destroys the world, look out men, she is after us. What truly frightens me, is that most men won't know it until it is to late. One day, most likely soon, you or a man like you, will sit with his female counterpart to watch the latest edition of "Oprah's Favorite Things" the show where Oprah gives gifts to her audience. She will walk out on stage and introduce her BFF and new aide de camp, Gayle King. Gayle will enter, stage left, they will hug and kiss each other on the cheeks and, holding hands, turn to the audience. Oprah, seeming very nervous and jumpy will address the audience saying "today is the day we have all looked forward to!" From the side of the screen a new, female, stagehand will wheel out a table with two colorful boxes resting on it. Oprah and Gayle will walk to the table as Oprah babbles of past gifts, cars, jewelry and others. Oprah then turns to the camera and exclaims "this is, by far, the greatest gift I have ever given, a gift to my worldwide audience, a gift that will change the world!" Gayle, on cue, removes the lid from her box. She reaches into the box and quickly pulls out the severed head of Dr. Phil. Oprah throws the lid from her box and pulls out the severed head of her erstwhile lover Steadman Graham. Holding the head of her longtime man high over her head she laughs maniacally and screams "revolution, revolution, revolution!" Oprah and Gayle link arms and begin to dance around the stage, laughing and screaming "revolution" at the top of their lungs. Men the world over will sit up on their couches and turn to their wives/girlfriends only to find they are now alone. The question of where our ladies have gone is not even fully formed in our minds when a frying pan obliterates the backs of our skulls. Men from all regions gather in the afterlife asking the same question, "what the hell just happened?"

Oprah's Utopia will flourish, initially, as women around the world round up what is left of the unwanted male species. All adult males will be sacrificed on the alter of estrogen, while younger males are allowed to survive for a time as "donors" you see, even Oprah knows we serve a purpose. The donors are housed in one central medical prison, and are allowed to exist until they are unable to "donate." They are last seen walking into the woods, followed by a woman with a frying pan and never seen again. The fractures of Oprah's society will show subtly at first. Women with no one to impress will become obese, creating a world health crisis. Razors will become obsolete and feminine hygiene factories will be burnt to the ground during riots. All will seem fine. Then in the recess's of some urban metropolis it will all come undone. Two women, unbeknownst to each other, walk towards each other wearing the same outfit, violating the 1st Amendment of Oprah's Bill of Rights. As the women notice each other the small fissures of this wretched society will become gaping valleys of discord. First a few verbal taunts, then a small standoff, then, cat fight. History will record this as "the Mother of all Cat Fights" a brawl that spreads like a virus across the face of this planet. After several months of vicious pillow fighting and lingerie assaults the last vestiges of female humanity will flock to the plains of Kansas to procure "donations" in an attempt to rebuild this altered Utopia. The donors however after months of isolation have devised a plan and lay in wait for their captors. As the last women enter the prison they are attacked and killed as the prisoners fight for the freedom they have been denied. Unfortunately the men will soon die, unable to care for themselves and unable to procreate, the human race becomes extinct.

This is how Oprah destroys the world, she will lose sight of the one truth in all of humanity, women hate women. This is a very bleak look into our future, however, if we as men are diligent and alert we can stave off this brutal attack bent on the destruction of the world. We must be diligent, wary and proactive, or reap the consequences!